Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Reason #4 - Why I need Santa's help!

Dear Santa,

This year has been kind of rough for a variety of reasons. Don’t worry, you aren’t about to get some sort of “I’ve been really good, can you bring me a Lexus like in those commercials on TV.” Truthfully I don’t really have use for material items at the moment. The recession has had me penny pinching for so long that visions of new Coach boots no longer dance in my head. What I could use though is a little bit of your holiday magic to make my life somewhat more manageable. To put it mildly Santa, I’m a hot-freaking-mess. I work a ridiculous amount of hours to pay my bills. At the end of the day I have no extra cash to show for it and no time to myself. So here are some things that you could do to make my life a bit cheerier and brighten my Christmas spirit.

1)     Let’s start with my car. As already stated I am not requesting a new one. Sure the old Chevy Malibu has some issues; It starts only when it feels like it, it’s got a big ol’ dent in the side and there’s some sort of issue with the dashboard that makes it sound like I’m flying in a helicopter every time I take it past 55 mph. I can deal with all of this though. What I can’t handle is the fact that both of my car remotes are completely dead. This means A) I can’t open the door without sticking the key. Which is fine except I don’t leave my second job until 7:30pm and its pitch black in their unlit parking lot. Can we say unsafe?  And B) The remote start doesn’t function. This is a HUGE problem because I am *always* running late so being able to warm the car up by just clicking a button while I’m still wearing a towel is key to my daily routine. I had been getting just enough juice out of my back-up car remote to start the car earlier in the week. Then yesterday it decided it wouldn’t work while it was still dark (not sure why that is), so I had to wait a few minutes until it was more light out and try again. This morning it decided it would only lock the doors but not remote start no matter how light it was. This resulted in me running out the door with slippers and wet hair to start the car the old fashioned way so I wouldn’t be late. But I forgot to detach the house keys so I could lock the door when I left. So I ended up having to take them out of the ignition when it was time to go so I could lock up. This is always a risk as my car could decide it doesn’t want to restart again, thus causing me further problems. Apparently car remotes are kind of expensive…like $100, which clearly I don’t have. So my fiancée went out and got a $20 battery instead and tried to fix one of them. When he cracked it open some major piece of electronics fell out and that was that. Now he claims it must have been broken already and that’s the real reason the remote wouldn’t work. And I’m not saying I don’t believe him Santa. But what I’m asking for this Christmas is that when he cracks the second remote open that all parts “magically” remain intact and he can successfully replace the battery. Oh! And if you could also send my dad over to add some washer fluid into my car that would be an added bonus.
2)     The second thing I’d like to ask for is if you could make the blue stains stop appearing on all of my light colored clothes. I really have no clue what it is, but all of the white, cream, yellow and light pink items that go into my washing machine come out with unsightly blue blotches on them. And of course stain remover doesn’t work on them and I end up having to get rid of the shirts. For awhile we thought it was the detergent. But we have since switched to clear and the problem persists. This week alone I pulled out 4 items with stains. I’ve heard it could be our copper piping and my future mother in law claims it has to do with blue jean lint. I personally do not care who is right, I just need it to stop. I’m too poor to be throwing out tops after two wears. So if you could somehow magically rid me of this problem my wallet would thank you. Speaking of money…
3)     This brings me to my third wish. I’m not sure if you know this Santa, but I’ve been trying to claw my way out of debt for a good 4-5 years. The recession has done squat to help me. Therefore I’ve taken on several extra jobs. The hours have begun to kill me. And if they don’t I think my fiancée might. I’m never home and when I am I’m passed out on the couch. Clearly I have no time to cook dinner or we’d never eat so we live off frozen pizza and quesadillas. And I haven’t seen a Happy Hour with my girlfriends in over a year. Now once again Santa, I’m not asking you for money…just a bit of magic. The thing is I play in two football pools. I’m doing really well this season but could use a little of your help to guarantee me some prize money. There’s only two weeks left in regular season play. I would be more than happy to leave my weekly picks out for you on Christmas Eve. If you could just look them over and make a few extra games go my way I’d be really grateful. It shouldn’t be to hard to get another Calvin Johnson touchdown recalled or have Eli Manning inexplicably bite off his tongue so he needs to leave the game. Trust me all this stuff is totally plausible. No one would suspect a thing. Oh! And as another added bonus, maybe you could send the Miami Dolphins a new quarterback. I’ve threaten to toss my paraphernalia in the trash on more than one occasion. I swear I’m going to do it for real if someone doesn’t get Chad Henne the hell out of Miami.

Well I guess that’s all. I don’t think I’ve asked for anything crazy this year. I just really want my life back is all. If you could find any way to help me I’d super duper appreciate it. And just an FYI. If you don’t help me I’m totally asking for the Lexus next year!



Friday, November 19, 2010

Reason #3 - Why I don't have kids (Part 1)

My “niece” (read: best friend’s daughter) is 4 months old today. I love Miss E to bits. I cried when her mommy told me she was going into labor and I took a half day at work the next day because I just couldn’t wait to hold her. Her little smile will melt you and for a baby she really keeps the crying to a minimum (you can so tell I have no kids right now). In short, Miss E is totally adorable and such a good baby. I, however, am a terrible aunt. Sure I hold her, play with her and help feed her. When she’s older I will buy her Uggs and other pretty things. Hell, I’d even step in front of a bus for that kid. There’s just one thing I can’t bring myself to do. It’s been 4 whole months and not once have I even offered to change her diaper. It’s wrong and it makes me completely ineligible as a babysitter, but I just can’t bring myself to do it! In all honestly, I could probably handle a #1. That would be a breeze. But a #2? I’m sorry, I’ll gag. It’s just how I am. I smell a particularly pungent meat cart on the streets of New York City and all of a sudden I’m dry heaving. So needless to say me attempting to change a dirty diaper is pretty much a recipe for disaster. And I know people say you get used to it, and when it’s my kid I won’t mind. To them I say “Nay.” I’m pretty sure feces is *always* going to be disgusting to me. It’s not like eating brussels sprouts, where I am suddenly going to enjoy it more with age. This is never NOT going to be an issue with me. I have a weak stomach and serious gag reflex (seriously you should see me brush my teeth, it’s a spectacle). So I don’t see me conquering this one ever. And ditto goes for cleaning puke! The up side to all of this is that Miss E is never going to remember that I didn’t change her diapers. But I guarantee you she’s going to remember when I buy her AWESOME furry boots for her 5th birthday. Bribery will get you everywhere. And this sort of twisted rationale is exactly the reason why I don’t have kids. Or at least one of them…To be continued…

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Reason #2 - Why classic literature is my arch nemesis

Yesterday my best friend pointed out to me that Baz Luhrmann is directing a remake of The Great Gatsby staring Leonardo DiCaprio. This in turned spurred me to tell her that I loathe The Great Gatsby (although I LOVE Baz and will most likely see it based on this alone). She told me it was one of the few books she actually enjoyed in high school but has heard people echo my views. Now I can’t speak for anyone else, but my reasons for disliking this novel come down to what amounts to maybe one or two sentences. I have a serious problem with graphic images. They tend to stick in my head and haunt me at inopportune times. So suffice it to say I can remember very little about what happens in The Great Gatsby except that I absolutely can’t stand the part where the woman gets hit by the car. The all too graphic description has been disturbing me for 10+ years now. And it doesn’t stop with Gatsby. The more I thought about it the more I realized how I shun other classic novels for similar reasons. I do have certain triggers, among them is if anything bad happens to an animal. So sorry to Of Mice and Men, but I won’t be reading you again at any point in the near future. And please don’t even get me started on The Grapes of Wrath. Between the dog getting hit by the car, the dead babies and the random breast feeding…Yeah, I pretty much need a lifetime’s worth of therapy to get over what went down in that book. Thankfully ostracizing the town harlot by forcing her to embroider the first letter of the alphabet on all her clothes is totally cool with me. So I say rock on to The Scarlet Letter because I totally dug that novel. Now if someone in town had kicked a puppy while throwing rocks at Hestor, then we might have had a problem. Phew, dodged a bullet there. So to all of the great authors of past, I sincerely apologize to you for being so seemingly uncultured. I have my reasons though. And if anyone out there knows whether or not John Steinbeck has an estate somewhere please let me know. I need a place to send my therapy bills…

Friday, November 12, 2010

Reason# 1 - Why you should give

Ok so I realize it's weird that my first post isn't exactly a "reason" but hear me out because I swear it's worth it. Every year I start worrying in September what I’m going to get my family for Christmas. I stress over what my budget is. I flip out because if I only hand my parents a pair of Broadway show tickets then they don’t really have anything to unwrap. So then I end up running out and buying them some sweaters just because. I run back and forth to Old Navy a dozen times because our tree looks bare and perhaps my fiancée *could* use another set of fleece pajama bottoms. Which of course he really doesn’t b/c I just end up wearing them anyway. My point? Every year it’s a vicious cycle of endless spending on things that my loved ones don’t need, and might not even want for that matter. But the sad reality is that there are hundreds and thousands of people out there who would be overjoyed to receive a warm pair of fleece pajama bottoms or a sweater. Unlike me, these people are out there worrying if they will be able to keep their heat going all winter and because of this know they won’t be able to afford gifts for their children at all. Every year I do make a point to sponsor a needy family or take an angel off of a gift tree in the mall. These people are not asking for front row tickets to Wicked this Christmas. For the most part they want simple things like a winter jacket or a blanket. It honestly breaks my heart. And with the economy the way it is I’ve noticed over the last few years that it’s becoming harder and harder for me to find ways to help. Two years ago I had my best friend’s mother in-law pick me some angels from the giving tree in her supermarket. But last year the store decided not to participate. And sadly this year the entire location closed leaving my friend’s mother in-law unemployed herself this holiday season. So last year I had to put my feelers out a little further. Thankfully my best friend’s office sponsors a family in need each year so I volunteered to get some of the items on their wish list. So this is why I was absolutely overjoyed to hear that this year JcPenney and the Salvation Army have teamed up to make it easier than ever for people to give to those in need. You can go to JcPenney’s website and select your angels online. You just type in your zip code and it will provide you with a list of children and the elderly in your area who could use your help this Christmas. Feel free to search in other zip codes as well too. You can purchase your gifts online directly from JcPenney and have them shipped right to your angel. They also provide you with shipping instructions should you chose to purchase your gifts from other stores as well (I love that part the best!). I believe this is actually the second year for this program. I honestly didn’t know about it last year or I would have been all over it. Since I watch TV constantly I’m pretty sure it wasn’t as heavily advertised last holiday season. But this year I’ve already seen several commercials for the program and I’m thrilled. I think through the power of the media and the internet there’s a wonderful chance that a record number of family’s can be helped this year. I’m making an effort to tell as many people as possible about this program because it makes giving so easy. Think about it! You don’t even have to leave your desk at work to make someone else’s holiday wish come true. Ingenious! I realize that not all of us are in a position to help, but maybe you know someone who is. So please everyone spread the word. I know I am!

And on a side note: I know I mentioned not being able to find ways to help. I feel like I need to add a disclaimer that last year I did see the Toys For Tots stand at my local mall. This is one of many other wonderful organizations trying to make a difference and I encourage you to continue to reach out to them and the other local charities in your area as well. Tis the season!    


Welcome to my new blog! For the most part it's dedicated to my reason's why. My reasons why I'm a bitch. My reasons why I don't have kids. My reasons why I think clowns are creepy. You get the point. Of course I'll probably throw some other things in every once in awhile to spice it up. I hope you enjoy and don't forget to tell your friends!