Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Reason #15 - Why Christmas Needs To Hold It's Horses

In case you are not my Facebook friend (which I imagine 99.9% of you are) I'm totally pissed off right this second. Route 287 has defeated me yet again and I am not handling it well. I am pouting and eating pizza in protest (of what? I'm not sure). Since I'm already all sorts of fired up I was thinking it was a good time to tell you how about some other things that are ruffling my feathers these days. Like, why the hell can't Congress get along? They act like a bunch of spiteful five year olds who won't share a toy just because they can't stand to see someone else play with it. Also, can someone explain Occupy Wall Street to me? Because I just don't understand all of the bongos. And, for the love of god, tell me how it's possible that Whitney has not been cancelled yet? But the one thing that is pissing me off the most? Christmas! Yeah that's right. Christmas. You know why? Because it's not freaking Christmas time yet! Want to know how I know that? Because I have yet to eat my turkey on THANKSGIVING. That's right...Thanksgiving...the holiday after Halloween and before the jolly fat man starts shimmying down chimneys. It seems like people  have forgotten it exists this year. As evidenced by the Christmas commercials I woke to on the morning after Halloween. Seriously. The first thing I saw on November 1st was snow and jingle bells. Horrifying. And as of Friday radio stations have already started playing 24 hour holiday music. Which would be totally cool if there were more then two Thanksgiving songs...and if those radio stations bothered to play either of them. But no. It's all "Ho ho ho" and "deck those halls." I find the whole thing quite off-putting. It's so obviously more about consumerism then it is holiday cheer. And that's what I find the most insulting about it all. The whole point of Thanksgiving is to give thanks. To spend time with family and reflect on all the things we have to be grateful for. But here we are being pushed and prodded to skip right over all that and go straight to the gift-giving. I refuse to have any part of this though. My totally awesome Pottery Barn turkey is holding court in the center of my dining room table. He will not move until I've had at least two helpings of his comrades covered in cranberry sauce. My festive fall wreath will remain on my door until all the pecan pie leftovers are gone. And not an evergreen scented candle will burn until I've napped off my Black Friday shopping buzz (ok so I'm a little about consumerism just not until 5am the morning after Thanksgiving). For I will not overshadow the purest and most delicious of all the holidays. I will not forsake pies for poinsettias or giving thanks for giving gifts. There will be plenty of time for all things jolly starting first thing Friday. But for now I urge you all to put down the egg nog and get those turkey basters ready. Gobble Gobble!

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Reason #14 - Why you should lay off Bella Swan

So tomorrow is my birthday. I'm not going to tell you how old I'll be because I prefer to remain in complete denial about it. Despite my age, it's pretty much going to be the best birthday ever though. Why you ask? Because Breaking Dawn opens tomorrow!!!! That's right. You all know my dirty little secret now. I'm a Twi-Hard and I'm not afraid to admit it. And tomorrow is going to be dedicated to way over due vampire loves scenes and hot werewolf abs. At about this point I imagine half of you are chomping at the bit to tell me how awful Twilight is and how watching it makes me a lesser human being (the other half is totally sleeping with their advance tickets clutched in their hot little hands though). I'm sure some of you are dying to tell me how Stephanie Meyers is an awful writer and that it is totally ludicrous that a vampire and a human could conceive a child together (which to the best of my knowledge a magic hat won't sit on your head and tell you that you should live in Peoria, but I don't begrudge the Potter-Heads their joy). And that's fine, I can handle the hate. There's just one ultimate Twilight criticism that bugs the heck out of me. I can't stand when people feel the need to tell me that Bella Swan is a bad role model for young women. Look, I'm not going to sit here and say she's somehow contributing to women's rights. And clearly she's not going to be the first woman president. But, really, have you met any teenage girls recently? Were you ever a teenager yourself? The portrayal isn't that far off. For instance, Bella takes some serious heat for how she handles her break-up with Edward in New Moon (which, hint, isn't well). There's crying, cliff-jumping and lots of brooding in her room alone. But think back people. Think waaaay back. Remember when your first love broke your heart and all you could do was sit up in your room listening to sad emo music. It happened. I know it did. So don't try to deny it. I'm surprised my Lifehouse No Name Face CD didn't melt at some point. So maybe your first love wasn't a century old vampire (or maybe they were, I'm not judging), but the sentiment is the same. And did you ever have a fight with a friend because they got a boyfriend and all of a sudden ditched the group to spend allll their time with him? If you say no I must assume you were home schooled and had no friends.

Apparently the mommy bloggers are also all up in arms because Bella could care less about college and just wants to become a stinking vampire with Edward. Ummmm, are you afraid your daughters are going to tell you that they are deferring admission to NYU because they are becoming undead instead? Newsflash ladies...Vampires aren't real! The whole story is complete and total fiction. And if your kid doesn't get that then you have bigger problems then Bella Swan. I'm pretty sure all Ariel wanted was to get rid of her fins and become human. I bet your kids saw The Little Mermaid a million times. I'd really hate to hear what you women have to say about Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty. I can't imagine you find their damsel in distress act as charming as Walt Disney did. You don't need that prince to come rescue you Cindy. Just keep scrubbing your step-mom's toilet with pride and pray to god karma works it's magic.My point? Twilight is nothing more then a fairy tale. And believing your child doesn't understand that is doing them a serious injustice.

 And if we are so concerned about poor role models, let's discuss the things we force our teenagers to read. I'm pretty sure the schools are still making kids read Romeo & Juliet. Sure it's considered  the greatest love story of all time (next to The Notebook of course), but you can't honestly tell me you want your teenage daughter taking after Juliet. For starters, she's 13 years old and sleeping with a dude who is at least 18. If this was 2011 daddy Capulet could have just had Romeo's ass thrown in jail for those sort of shenanigans. And then after 4 whole days of turmoil Juliet's barely teenage mind hatches a brilliant plan to fake her own death in order to be with Romeo. And when that backfires? Apparently the solution is suicide. I can go on if you want. Daisy Buchanan: Shallow, money-grubbing flake. Hester Prynne: Adulteress. Abigail Williams: Home-wrecking, manipulative liar. How's little old Bella Swan looking compared to these beauts? So she got married right out of high school. At least she didn't try to have her lover's wife burned at the stake.

But honestly, the most compelling argument I can make for Bella is this: She waits to have sex until she's married! What freaking mommy blogger is not down with that? I know you are all watching Teen Mom with your judgey-pants on and preaching abstinence. Well there you go. Bella Swan should be your poster child. Sure she eventually gets knocked up with a life-sucking mutant fetus, but at least it happens AFTER she's married. Sidenote: I think I should point out I am in no way condoning or mocking what takes place on Tenn Mom. This poor girls are obvious misguided...I just don't think reading Twilight is where they went wrong in life.

So there you go. This post took me far longer to write then I had intended. Now if you don't mind I need to go rest up for tomorrow. I have a big day of ogling Taylor Lautner ahead of me.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Reason #13 - Reasons why I have apparently not been living socially

I used to be a hermit. I never left my home and was in bed at 9 pm sharp every evening. But then I discovered Living Social. Now I'm the life of the party. I'm attending pilates classes and going on bike riding wine tours. I eat out at a different restaurant every night and indulge in daily spa treatments. I take salsa lessons while learning how to MAKE salsa from a gourmet chef. I have two African safaris booked and just bought a voucher for a photobook so I can immortalize my trips in print. I AM living socially!!!

Alright, so most of that is a lie. For one, I still go to bed at 9 pm sharp. But I could do all of those things if I wanted to! And all at a discounted price. Discounted. Price. This is the part that is getting me in trouble. You see, a few months ago I was blissfully unaware that websites like this even existed. Then one day my best friend sent me a link to one of the deals. From there...It. Was. On. I  noticed some yoga classes and stuff on there. So initially I signed up because I was in need of taking some pricey pilates classes for my instructor certification. I was hoping to score some for a fraction of the normal cost. But after a few days of no pilates, I signed up for Groupon. Then I found Bloomspot. Then Groupalicious. You can see where this is going right? So basically every morning I wake up to find email upon email of fun and interesting things that I never knew  I wanted to do but now desperately yearn to try. I resisted buying anything for awhile. But soon they started to wear me down (I always have wanted my teeth whitened). It started with a simple giftcard to a local restaurant. But now it's quickly spiraling out of control. The vouchers are beginning to accumulate. So far I have managed to keep it to things that I will actually use or intend to give as Christmas gifts. I live in fear that I will slip up at any moment though. What kind of woman has the willpower to resist a massage AND facial for only $50? Any reasonable person probably would have just unsubscribed by now. But I'm not a quitter. I came for pilates classes and I refuse to admit defeat! Pilates or death! Luckily it was the former rather then the latter. I finally got my deal on classes last week. Four whole classes for $39! Woohoo! Too bad it really cost me $115 if you count all the other things I bought while I was waiting for this deal to pop up. If that doesn't deserve a big fat "Womp Womp" then I don't know what does.

PS Totally still haven't unsubscribed yet. You never know when you'll need a full house cleaning for $25. Am I right?

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Reason #12 - Why there's no need to write me in on the ballot

So I'm not exactly what you would call a political activist. I don't recall having ever run for president of my class in grammar school. I think I may have been treasurer of the National Honor Society in high school. However I feel as if I was more or less volunteered for the position. Also, we had no actual money to treasure. As I recall my most major action was daring the president to refer to orange Hi-C as "bug juice" whilst inviting our families back to the cafeteria for refreshments after the induction ceremony. Hillary Clinton eat your heart out. I will also cop to having sat on the executive board of my sorority. At the time I would have tried to convince you that this meant something (truly you wouldn't believe the amount of paperwork that lurks behind all of those mixers). But looking back I realize that real politics is so much more then making sure some half naked drunk chick doesn't ruin your reputation. Hey, wait a minute...On second thought maybe I did have a short lived career in politics after all.

Recently, though, I decided to take a stand and sign an online petition. It seemed harmless enough. Do you think this policy about euthanizing poor innocent shelter dogs sucks? YES! I Do! Then click here to sign our petition. I did agree! So I did click! It seems that I have now opened some sort of political advocacy Pandora's box though. My Gmail is now a sea of alerts asking me to do things like stop farmers from growing red tomatoes because they cause night blindness in the gopher population. Every time I look there's a new (and more ridiculous) cause asking me for my time and support. It's actually kind of worrisome, as I was previously unaware of all the things going terribly wrong in the world. Did you know that kangaroos are being murdered for their belly button lint? Or that men who wear pink argyle sweaters are being kidnapped and tortured in Belfast? YES! Apparently all of this is going on and we need to stop it! Or maybe I just need to stop getting these emails. Now if only I could figure out how to unsubscribe...And thus we see why my career in politics never exactly took off.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Reason #11 - Why you need to put the boots down and back away slowly

FASHION ALERT! I don't know if you know this, but leopard print is hot this year! It's everywhere. There is definitely no shortage of spotted jungle cat items on the shelves this season. And that's all well and good except...well...leopard print is sort of my thing. I've pretty much been dressing like a 65 year old Boca Raton retiree since I was 15. My college dorm room? Yeah it looked like a leopard hocked a huge hairball all over it. Bed spread. Lamps. Throw rug. Cork board. Slippers. If it was socially acceptable to hand in a 40 page thesis printed on leopard trimmed paper you can bet your bottom dollar that I would have done it.  (Side note: I did actually draw a picture of my leopard print slippers for an art project once. Ironically years later my idol, Jen Lancaster, would chose a virtually identical picture for the cover of her book My Fair Lazy. If this does not say we should be friends then I don't know what does). So anyway, you'd think I'd be pretty stoked to see the ample selection of leopard print items currently available to me. But truthfully I'm annoyed. Firstly, all of a sudden I look like some sort of trendy biter when - hello - Elle magazine is totally biting off of me! Secondly, I used to have first pick of the few leopard items I'd find. But now I seem to have last pick of all that is available. Suddenly I have to fight other women for an Old Navy sweater dress that last year no one would have cared about. Right now I'm particularly annoyed about the pair of leopard print hooker boots that is NOT currently sitting in my closet. You know why? Sold out in size 7.5 and 8! What gives? It's almost my birthday and all this girl wants is some spotted hooker heels. Is that too much to ask? So basically I need everyone to just back up off my leopard print. I need you all to drop this trend as fast as those MC Hammer genie pants they tried to push on us last year. Please feel free to buy up all the zebra and giraffe prints you want. Just say no to leopard though!

P.S. My friend Kritt walked in as I was writing this post and she wanted me to know that animal print is so not her thing. I appreciate that you are not out there stealing my boots Kritt. That is what true friendship is all about.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Reason #10 - Why I can't eat another KitKat

I just got home and ate a fun-sized KitKat bar. You know why? Because I have a bowl full of Halloween candy that no one apparently wants. Is it just me or does Halloween seem like a dying holiday? I remember when we first bought our house, the thing I was most excited about was handing out candy to tricker-treaters. The first few years we lived here I ended up having to work on Halloween (womp womp). But last year the holiday fell on a Sunday and I was totally free. I sat on my couch with my huge bowl full of candy waiting for the doorbell to ring. If ten kids came to our door that day it would have been a lot. Now mind you, I live two houses away from an elementary school. A SCHOOL! Clearly there must be kids around here somewhere! So what is happening? Is it that parents think it's to dangerous? Because I can assure you that freaks existed in 1989 as well. That's why you go out with your kids and check their candy before they eat it. I can recall my father using his detective equipment to thoroughly examine each bag of Skittles before we were allowed to eat them (although I have my suspicions that many of the "damaged" goods merely went into his nightstand for his own personal consumption). Or is it that schools are sucking the fun out of the holiday with their lame-o no sugar rules. It's one freaking day. Let the kids have a dang Tootsie roll. Then make mandatory track try-outs November 1st. See? Problem solved. I, myself, am guilty of perpetuating the lack-luster vibe as well. I can't recall the last time I put effort into a costume to go out in (I'm pretty sure I've been a Hooters waitress so many times that people think I actually just am a Hooters waitress). But there is one member of my family that always goes all out. I think she's single-handily keeping the dream alive. Halloween is pretty much her favorite day of the year. She loves to see the kids dressed up. In fact sometimes when the door bell rings she gets so excited that she pees herself! Oh...have I forgotten to mention that this family member has four legs and uses the bathroom outside? Please see below for a fun retrospective of my dog Annie's all-time favorite costumes.

Here she is one her first Halloween. She had just seen Napoleon Dynamite and knew she needed to dress up as his favorite mythical creature.

Here she is looking rather regal in a princess costume. Notice how the hat fits perfectly on her pointy basset head.

Now this is my personal favorite. Annie was big into Flavor of Love this year. Check out her ode to FLAVOR FLAV! I like how she went the extra mile and kept the glasses on for more then 5 seconds.

And here she is this year! I don't know if this is her best effort. But truthfully she's gained a little weight and this was the only costume available in a doggie XL. Currently she is enjoying her day though. She's at my parent's house where there are far more kids available to shower her with attention (and possibly drop a piece of candy close enough for her to grab).

Now if you will excuse me I had better get started eating this pumpkin sized bowl of Reese's Peanut Butter cups. Tomorrow I bust out my new Pottery Barn turkey decor and I can't have any leftover Halloween candy hanging around.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Reason #9 - Why I think it's fish...or is it chicken?

Well folks, it's official (sort of). Jessica Simpson is definitely (probably) with child! For those of you following baby-gate 2011 I doubt this news comes as any shock to you. Over the year we've all been privy to Jessica's struggle with weight. But I think it's been pretty clear over the last few weeks that this is more then just a post Dukes of Hazard break from the gym. Now before I go any further, I need to disclose to you all that I actually quite enjoy Jessica. I think she's cute and fun and designs a really killer pair of heels. Over the years I have felt bad for her when tabloids printed unflattering pictures of her in so-called "mom jeans" and took cheap jabs at her waistline. I wanted to personally slap John Mayer for the disgusting things he told Playboy about their sex life. I have forgiven her for making Major Movie Star because I understand we all make mistakes. I don't believe she ever jinxed Tony Romo. He's married to someone else now and still throws three interceptions a game. And quite frankly I agree with her that it is a bit confusing whether Chicken of the Sea is chicken or fish. All in all she's definitely gotten a bad wrap from the media in the past. This latest wave of rumors really has me doubting her for the first time though. According to the gossip Jessica has yet to officially announce her pregnancy because she's looking for a tabloid to pay her $500,000 for the exclusive revelation. Now I don't know if the rest of you realize this, but Jessica Simpson is rich. Like REALLY rich. Richer then you'd probably think given you haven't seen her put out an album or star in a movie recently. But the truth is that slapping your name on cute clothing and fake hair can be a gold mine. Literally. Last year it was reported her clothing empire raked in just under $1 billion. That's right, One billion dollars (eat your heart out Dr Evil). So it really bothers me that she'd be out there trying to make cash off her fetus when it's clearly not necessary. After all, she isn't one of MTV's Teen Moms. I mean those girls actually need to sell their tales of woe to magazines in order to feed their children. I really just expected more from Jessica. Clearly she has enough money. I doubt she needs the $500k for Jr's college fund. So why not just spread your good news for free? Or if you prefer to stay mum about your personal business I'm all for that too. I mean we can obviously see what is going on for ourselves. No explanations needed. I guess what I'm trying to say is, you are coming off desperate and greedy Jess. And I for one hope these rumors are completely false. Because you are better then pimping out your unborn child for ill gotten gains. For god's sake you aren't a Kardashian!

PS I have decided I am not telling the world about any future pregnancies on my part for less then one dozen Magnolia cupcakes,  a Target gift card and a bag of Combos. What? They are good! So be prepared to pony up or you'll just have to wait nine months to see how it all pans out.