Monday, October 31, 2011

Reason #10 - Why I can't eat another KitKat

I just got home and ate a fun-sized KitKat bar. You know why? Because I have a bowl full of Halloween candy that no one apparently wants. Is it just me or does Halloween seem like a dying holiday? I remember when we first bought our house, the thing I was most excited about was handing out candy to tricker-treaters. The first few years we lived here I ended up having to work on Halloween (womp womp). But last year the holiday fell on a Sunday and I was totally free. I sat on my couch with my huge bowl full of candy waiting for the doorbell to ring. If ten kids came to our door that day it would have been a lot. Now mind you, I live two houses away from an elementary school. A SCHOOL! Clearly there must be kids around here somewhere! So what is happening? Is it that parents think it's to dangerous? Because I can assure you that freaks existed in 1989 as well. That's why you go out with your kids and check their candy before they eat it. I can recall my father using his detective equipment to thoroughly examine each bag of Skittles before we were allowed to eat them (although I have my suspicions that many of the "damaged" goods merely went into his nightstand for his own personal consumption). Or is it that schools are sucking the fun out of the holiday with their lame-o no sugar rules. It's one freaking day. Let the kids have a dang Tootsie roll. Then make mandatory track try-outs November 1st. See? Problem solved. I, myself, am guilty of perpetuating the lack-luster vibe as well. I can't recall the last time I put effort into a costume to go out in (I'm pretty sure I've been a Hooters waitress so many times that people think I actually just am a Hooters waitress). But there is one member of my family that always goes all out. I think she's single-handily keeping the dream alive. Halloween is pretty much her favorite day of the year. She loves to see the kids dressed up. In fact sometimes when the door bell rings she gets so excited that she pees herself! Oh...have I forgotten to mention that this family member has four legs and uses the bathroom outside? Please see below for a fun retrospective of my dog Annie's all-time favorite costumes.

Here she is one her first Halloween. She had just seen Napoleon Dynamite and knew she needed to dress up as his favorite mythical creature.

Here she is looking rather regal in a princess costume. Notice how the hat fits perfectly on her pointy basset head.

Now this is my personal favorite. Annie was big into Flavor of Love this year. Check out her ode to FLAVOR FLAV! I like how she went the extra mile and kept the glasses on for more then 5 seconds.

And here she is this year! I don't know if this is her best effort. But truthfully she's gained a little weight and this was the only costume available in a doggie XL. Currently she is enjoying her day though. She's at my parent's house where there are far more kids available to shower her with attention (and possibly drop a piece of candy close enough for her to grab).

Now if you will excuse me I had better get started eating this pumpkin sized bowl of Reese's Peanut Butter cups. Tomorrow I bust out my new Pottery Barn turkey decor and I can't have any leftover Halloween candy hanging around.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Reason #9 - Why I think it's fish...or is it chicken?

Well folks, it's official (sort of). Jessica Simpson is definitely (probably) with child! For those of you following baby-gate 2011 I doubt this news comes as any shock to you. Over the year we've all been privy to Jessica's struggle with weight. But I think it's been pretty clear over the last few weeks that this is more then just a post Dukes of Hazard break from the gym. Now before I go any further, I need to disclose to you all that I actually quite enjoy Jessica. I think she's cute and fun and designs a really killer pair of heels. Over the years I have felt bad for her when tabloids printed unflattering pictures of her in so-called "mom jeans" and took cheap jabs at her waistline. I wanted to personally slap John Mayer for the disgusting things he told Playboy about their sex life. I have forgiven her for making Major Movie Star because I understand we all make mistakes. I don't believe she ever jinxed Tony Romo. He's married to someone else now and still throws three interceptions a game. And quite frankly I agree with her that it is a bit confusing whether Chicken of the Sea is chicken or fish. All in all she's definitely gotten a bad wrap from the media in the past. This latest wave of rumors really has me doubting her for the first time though. According to the gossip Jessica has yet to officially announce her pregnancy because she's looking for a tabloid to pay her $500,000 for the exclusive revelation. Now I don't know if the rest of you realize this, but Jessica Simpson is rich. Like REALLY rich. Richer then you'd probably think given you haven't seen her put out an album or star in a movie recently. But the truth is that slapping your name on cute clothing and fake hair can be a gold mine. Literally. Last year it was reported her clothing empire raked in just under $1 billion. That's right, One billion dollars (eat your heart out Dr Evil). So it really bothers me that she'd be out there trying to make cash off her fetus when it's clearly not necessary. After all, she isn't one of MTV's Teen Moms. I mean those girls actually need to sell their tales of woe to magazines in order to feed their children. I really just expected more from Jessica. Clearly she has enough money. I doubt she needs the $500k for Jr's college fund. So why not just spread your good news for free? Or if you prefer to stay mum about your personal business I'm all for that too. I mean we can obviously see what is going on for ourselves. No explanations needed. I guess what I'm trying to say is, you are coming off desperate and greedy Jess. And I for one hope these rumors are completely false. Because you are better then pimping out your unborn child for ill gotten gains. For god's sake you aren't a Kardashian!

PS I have decided I am not telling the world about any future pregnancies on my part for less then one dozen Magnolia cupcakes,  a Target gift card and a bag of Combos. What? They are good! So be prepared to pony up or you'll just have to wait nine months to see how it all pans out.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Reason #8 - Why Kelly should absolutely not marry you!

For those of you who don't already know, I have a long standing battle with Route 287 in New Jersey. It's awful. I hate it. I would blow it up if given the chance. But this post is not about me complaining to you about my harrowing daily commute (I'll save that for another day). It's more to point out a few safety issues I've noticed lately. Two weeks ago I was on my way home when I looked up and saw a new billboard had gone up. In huge red paint was scrawled the message "Kelly, will you marry me?" and then right underneath it was - HOLY SHIT - a man holding a paint brush! Now at this point I may have had a William Shatner "There's a man on the wing!" Twilight Zone type moment and almost veered off the road. Thankfully this was one of my late nights at work and the highway was actually empty for once. And of course after I regained control of my (husband's) car I realized that there was not actually a REAL man up on that billboard. Clearly it was all part of the ad, which it turns out was for a jewelery store. On one hand I have to give this company props. I mean obviously the billboard grabbed my attention. But on the other hand, is an already dangerous highway really the place you want to be going for shock value? Now granted, I am REALLY gullible (topped off with a smidge of airy). I have been thrown more surprise birthday parties (where I was actually surprised) then would seem reasonably possible. And one time on a road trip I saw a car hitched to the back of an RV on the highway and totally wigged out because, "Oh my god! No one is driving that car!" However, I am by far not even the most gullible and airy person I know. So it seems reasonable to believe that there are many others who might react similarly to this ad.

And this isn't the only distraction I've encountered on 287. Probably about a year ago they added a giant electronic billboard. Every few seconds the screen changes and a new ad comes up. Occasionally I find myself lingering an extra moment on the "Wanted" posters for bank robbers and what not (you know just in case it turns out to be one of my neighbors or something). But in general it's no "Kelly, will you marry me." That is except for last March when someone had the bright idea to broadcast the NCAA tournament scores on said billboards. Seriously? Do you know what seeing that one of your Final Four is about to be taken out in a huge upset can do to a person? They're lucky more people didn't intentionally drive themselves into a ditch. Or perhaps someone was trying to set up the world record for most cars involved in a freeway pile. I mean use some freaking common sense. Picture if you will...It's March in NJ. Which means people are barely over the bitter disappointment of the Jets blowing another shot at the Super Bowl, they've spent the last 3 months shoveling the snow out of your driveway and now they are seeing their brackets implode in grand fashion on the side of the roadway. Is a moving vehicle really where you want these people when they finally snap? That's what I thought. So let's be a little more careful with how we handle our roadway advertisements from here on out.

And P.S. Kelly, don't say yes for anything less then one and a quarter carats!

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Reason #7 - Why I could use a little privacy please

I work in an office building. The women's restroom is communal and shared by everyone on the floor. In general I find this acceptable. Like those of the great open highway there are unspoken rules to sharing a restroom. And for the most part everyone complies with them. For example, if we should meet up while washing hands at the  sink, a simple smile of acknowledgement and/or a light exchange of pleasantries is always nice. Or should you almost whack me with the door while entering as I am exiting, a bit of laughter and a short apology are appreciated. Beyond this there really shouldn't be too much more communication though. Especially if we don't even know each other. Now I will refer to above where I mention that MOST people adhere to these standards. Most except for one.

The office down the hall is home to a tiny old woman of about 75. She must weigh all of 90 pounds soaking wet and the massive shoulder pads in her 1980's corporate blazers dwarf her. She's constantly in the bathroom fixing her make-up, brushing her teeth and  making sure not a hair on her wee head is out of place. Now for all intents and purposes I'm sure she's a perfectly lovely old woman who spoils her grandchildren rotten and enjoys a rousing game of Bingo with her girlfriends on the weekend. I, however, prefer to avoid her at all costs. This is because beneath her prim and proper persona lurks what I consider to be an incredibly ugly and unladylike habit. You see this old lady is a bit of a Chatty Kathy. Which I wouldn't mind if the talking had some boundaries. I'm trying to think how I can phrase this as inoffensively as possible, but I'm struggling. So I'm just going to come right out and say it. There is absolutely no need for someone to be speaking to me while I am actually ON the toilet. Yet that is what she does. The conversation doesn't stop once the stall door closes. Nope! She keeps right on going as if you aren't trying to have some sort of semi-private moment here. Even worse are the times when I have walked in and she herself is in a stall. She will actually call out to you and ask who is there. Then she will proceed to engage you in a talk about the weather. This whole thing horrifies me to no end. I have tried avoiding her. On many an occasion I have gotten up from my desk to use the restroom only to see her and do a 180 right back. But sometimes you just can't help running into her. And should you be unfortunate enough to run into twice in one day she'll be sure to tell you, "We must be on the same schedule today." That comment makes me cringe every time I hear it (which - by the way - has happened twice this week alone). So my new approach is to offer one word answers when I feel the conversation needs to stop. It doesn't appear to be working so far though. Apparently her feelings about allergy season are just too much to contain. I'm kind of at a loss. My choices as of now stand at a) Pretend I forgot how to speak English b) Cease all eating an drinking between the hours of 7 am and 5 pm or c) Just roll with it. I'm kind of liking choice A the best so far. Que crees? No habla Ingles!

Monday, October 17, 2011

Reason #6 - Why I'm grateful I don't wear Depends

So I'm a bit of, what a friend of mine once referred to as, "a hustler". In addition to my normal 9-5er I always have some sort of random side job (or three) I'm juggling in an attempt to pay off the debt that the 22 year old version of myself was dumb enough to acquire. Awhile back, in the height of my "I will do anything for a dollar" days I signed up for a paid survey website. The thing is you need to qualify for said surveys. So I am constantly getting questionnaires emailed to me in an effort to determine if I am the right person to be surveyed. Yes folks, they survey you for the surveys. Unfortunately not once have I even remotely qualified to earn some of the mean green. I determined that maybe I was being a bit too honest with my responses and that perhaps embellishing just a bit might be OK. I vowed that next time one came to me I'd (wo)man up and tell them I was a huge fan of ALL even if I really do prefer Tide. No harm in that right? So the other day I got my chance. I opened my inbox and saw the email asking me if I wanted to participate in a survey waiting for me. I rubbed my hands together and prepared to say I drive a Ford and that Raisin Bran IS my preferred cereal. Whatever it took, I was going to land this one. I was about to make this survey my bitch. So I clicked the link, filled out my basic info and prepared for my first question.

"Do you suffer from endomitriosis?"

Ummmm no...and this sounds like something I don't want to lie about (karma ya know?)

A little disappointed I clicked 'No" and moved on to question 2.

"Do you suffer from IBS?"

No! And I don't want to! I'm going to have to be honest again.

As much as it pained me, I clicked 'No' again and moved on to question 3.

"Do you suffer from urinary incontinence?"

Does threatening to pee if someone tickles me count? Ugh! Better not risk it...

So at this point I have completely bombed out on the survey. I'm totally bummed and quite frankly a bit disturbed (what the hell kind of product are they pushing here?!!?!?!). I click my final 'No' and immediately the survey bar jumps from 25% complete all the way to 100%. Epic fail. The lesson here? Honestly I don't think there really is one. In the end I guess I'm just grateful to have a generally well functioning bladder even if it hasn't made me any money. As they say in little league, "You'll get em next time tiger!"