Thursday, November 17, 2011

Reason #14 - Why you should lay off Bella Swan

So tomorrow is my birthday. I'm not going to tell you how old I'll be because I prefer to remain in complete denial about it. Despite my age, it's pretty much going to be the best birthday ever though. Why you ask? Because Breaking Dawn opens tomorrow!!!! That's right. You all know my dirty little secret now. I'm a Twi-Hard and I'm not afraid to admit it. And tomorrow is going to be dedicated to way over due vampire loves scenes and hot werewolf abs. At about this point I imagine half of you are chomping at the bit to tell me how awful Twilight is and how watching it makes me a lesser human being (the other half is totally sleeping with their advance tickets clutched in their hot little hands though). I'm sure some of you are dying to tell me how Stephanie Meyers is an awful writer and that it is totally ludicrous that a vampire and a human could conceive a child together (which to the best of my knowledge a magic hat won't sit on your head and tell you that you should live in Peoria, but I don't begrudge the Potter-Heads their joy). And that's fine, I can handle the hate. There's just one ultimate Twilight criticism that bugs the heck out of me. I can't stand when people feel the need to tell me that Bella Swan is a bad role model for young women. Look, I'm not going to sit here and say she's somehow contributing to women's rights. And clearly she's not going to be the first woman president. But, really, have you met any teenage girls recently? Were you ever a teenager yourself? The portrayal isn't that far off. For instance, Bella takes some serious heat for how she handles her break-up with Edward in New Moon (which, hint, isn't well). There's crying, cliff-jumping and lots of brooding in her room alone. But think back people. Think waaaay back. Remember when your first love broke your heart and all you could do was sit up in your room listening to sad emo music. It happened. I know it did. So don't try to deny it. I'm surprised my Lifehouse No Name Face CD didn't melt at some point. So maybe your first love wasn't a century old vampire (or maybe they were, I'm not judging), but the sentiment is the same. And did you ever have a fight with a friend because they got a boyfriend and all of a sudden ditched the group to spend allll their time with him? If you say no I must assume you were home schooled and had no friends.

Apparently the mommy bloggers are also all up in arms because Bella could care less about college and just wants to become a stinking vampire with Edward. Ummmm, are you afraid your daughters are going to tell you that they are deferring admission to NYU because they are becoming undead instead? Newsflash ladies...Vampires aren't real! The whole story is complete and total fiction. And if your kid doesn't get that then you have bigger problems then Bella Swan. I'm pretty sure all Ariel wanted was to get rid of her fins and become human. I bet your kids saw The Little Mermaid a million times. I'd really hate to hear what you women have to say about Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty. I can't imagine you find their damsel in distress act as charming as Walt Disney did. You don't need that prince to come rescue you Cindy. Just keep scrubbing your step-mom's toilet with pride and pray to god karma works it's magic.My point? Twilight is nothing more then a fairy tale. And believing your child doesn't understand that is doing them a serious injustice.

 And if we are so concerned about poor role models, let's discuss the things we force our teenagers to read. I'm pretty sure the schools are still making kids read Romeo & Juliet. Sure it's considered  the greatest love story of all time (next to The Notebook of course), but you can't honestly tell me you want your teenage daughter taking after Juliet. For starters, she's 13 years old and sleeping with a dude who is at least 18. If this was 2011 daddy Capulet could have just had Romeo's ass thrown in jail for those sort of shenanigans. And then after 4 whole days of turmoil Juliet's barely teenage mind hatches a brilliant plan to fake her own death in order to be with Romeo. And when that backfires? Apparently the solution is suicide. I can go on if you want. Daisy Buchanan: Shallow, money-grubbing flake. Hester Prynne: Adulteress. Abigail Williams: Home-wrecking, manipulative liar. How's little old Bella Swan looking compared to these beauts? So she got married right out of high school. At least she didn't try to have her lover's wife burned at the stake.

But honestly, the most compelling argument I can make for Bella is this: She waits to have sex until she's married! What freaking mommy blogger is not down with that? I know you are all watching Teen Mom with your judgey-pants on and preaching abstinence. Well there you go. Bella Swan should be your poster child. Sure she eventually gets knocked up with a life-sucking mutant fetus, but at least it happens AFTER she's married. Sidenote: I think I should point out I am in no way condoning or mocking what takes place on Tenn Mom. This poor girls are obvious misguided...I just don't think reading Twilight is where they went wrong in life.

So there you go. This post took me far longer to write then I had intended. Now if you don't mind I need to go rest up for tomorrow. I have a big day of ogling Taylor Lautner ahead of me.

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