Friday, November 19, 2010

Reason #3 - Why I don't have kids (Part 1)

My “niece” (read: best friend’s daughter) is 4 months old today. I love Miss E to bits. I cried when her mommy told me she was going into labor and I took a half day at work the next day because I just couldn’t wait to hold her. Her little smile will melt you and for a baby she really keeps the crying to a minimum (you can so tell I have no kids right now). In short, Miss E is totally adorable and such a good baby. I, however, am a terrible aunt. Sure I hold her, play with her and help feed her. When she’s older I will buy her Uggs and other pretty things. Hell, I’d even step in front of a bus for that kid. There’s just one thing I can’t bring myself to do. It’s been 4 whole months and not once have I even offered to change her diaper. It’s wrong and it makes me completely ineligible as a babysitter, but I just can’t bring myself to do it! In all honestly, I could probably handle a #1. That would be a breeze. But a #2? I’m sorry, I’ll gag. It’s just how I am. I smell a particularly pungent meat cart on the streets of New York City and all of a sudden I’m dry heaving. So needless to say me attempting to change a dirty diaper is pretty much a recipe for disaster. And I know people say you get used to it, and when it’s my kid I won’t mind. To them I say “Nay.” I’m pretty sure feces is *always* going to be disgusting to me. It’s not like eating brussels sprouts, where I am suddenly going to enjoy it more with age. This is never NOT going to be an issue with me. I have a weak stomach and serious gag reflex (seriously you should see me brush my teeth, it’s a spectacle). So I don’t see me conquering this one ever. And ditto goes for cleaning puke! The up side to all of this is that Miss E is never going to remember that I didn’t change her diapers. But I guarantee you she’s going to remember when I buy her AWESOME furry boots for her 5th birthday. Bribery will get you everywhere. And this sort of twisted rationale is exactly the reason why I don’t have kids. Or at least one of them…To be continued…

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