Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Reason #4 - Why I need Santa's help!

Dear Santa,

This year has been kind of rough for a variety of reasons. Don’t worry, you aren’t about to get some sort of “I’ve been really good, can you bring me a Lexus like in those commercials on TV.” Truthfully I don’t really have use for material items at the moment. The recession has had me penny pinching for so long that visions of new Coach boots no longer dance in my head. What I could use though is a little bit of your holiday magic to make my life somewhat more manageable. To put it mildly Santa, I’m a hot-freaking-mess. I work a ridiculous amount of hours to pay my bills. At the end of the day I have no extra cash to show for it and no time to myself. So here are some things that you could do to make my life a bit cheerier and brighten my Christmas spirit.

1)     Let’s start with my car. As already stated I am not requesting a new one. Sure the old Chevy Malibu has some issues; It starts only when it feels like it, it’s got a big ol’ dent in the side and there’s some sort of issue with the dashboard that makes it sound like I’m flying in a helicopter every time I take it past 55 mph. I can deal with all of this though. What I can’t handle is the fact that both of my car remotes are completely dead. This means A) I can’t open the door without sticking the key. Which is fine except I don’t leave my second job until 7:30pm and its pitch black in their unlit parking lot. Can we say unsafe?  And B) The remote start doesn’t function. This is a HUGE problem because I am *always* running late so being able to warm the car up by just clicking a button while I’m still wearing a towel is key to my daily routine. I had been getting just enough juice out of my back-up car remote to start the car earlier in the week. Then yesterday it decided it wouldn’t work while it was still dark (not sure why that is), so I had to wait a few minutes until it was more light out and try again. This morning it decided it would only lock the doors but not remote start no matter how light it was. This resulted in me running out the door with slippers and wet hair to start the car the old fashioned way so I wouldn’t be late. But I forgot to detach the house keys so I could lock the door when I left. So I ended up having to take them out of the ignition when it was time to go so I could lock up. This is always a risk as my car could decide it doesn’t want to restart again, thus causing me further problems. Apparently car remotes are kind of expensive…like $100, which clearly I don’t have. So my fiancée went out and got a $20 battery instead and tried to fix one of them. When he cracked it open some major piece of electronics fell out and that was that. Now he claims it must have been broken already and that’s the real reason the remote wouldn’t work. And I’m not saying I don’t believe him Santa. But what I’m asking for this Christmas is that when he cracks the second remote open that all parts “magically” remain intact and he can successfully replace the battery. Oh! And if you could also send my dad over to add some washer fluid into my car that would be an added bonus.
2)     The second thing I’d like to ask for is if you could make the blue stains stop appearing on all of my light colored clothes. I really have no clue what it is, but all of the white, cream, yellow and light pink items that go into my washing machine come out with unsightly blue blotches on them. And of course stain remover doesn’t work on them and I end up having to get rid of the shirts. For awhile we thought it was the detergent. But we have since switched to clear and the problem persists. This week alone I pulled out 4 items with stains. I’ve heard it could be our copper piping and my future mother in law claims it has to do with blue jean lint. I personally do not care who is right, I just need it to stop. I’m too poor to be throwing out tops after two wears. So if you could somehow magically rid me of this problem my wallet would thank you. Speaking of money…
3)     This brings me to my third wish. I’m not sure if you know this Santa, but I’ve been trying to claw my way out of debt for a good 4-5 years. The recession has done squat to help me. Therefore I’ve taken on several extra jobs. The hours have begun to kill me. And if they don’t I think my fiancée might. I’m never home and when I am I’m passed out on the couch. Clearly I have no time to cook dinner or we’d never eat so we live off frozen pizza and quesadillas. And I haven’t seen a Happy Hour with my girlfriends in over a year. Now once again Santa, I’m not asking you for money…just a bit of magic. The thing is I play in two football pools. I’m doing really well this season but could use a little of your help to guarantee me some prize money. There’s only two weeks left in regular season play. I would be more than happy to leave my weekly picks out for you on Christmas Eve. If you could just look them over and make a few extra games go my way I’d be really grateful. It shouldn’t be to hard to get another Calvin Johnson touchdown recalled or have Eli Manning inexplicably bite off his tongue so he needs to leave the game. Trust me all this stuff is totally plausible. No one would suspect a thing. Oh! And as another added bonus, maybe you could send the Miami Dolphins a new quarterback. I’ve threaten to toss my paraphernalia in the trash on more than one occasion. I swear I’m going to do it for real if someone doesn’t get Chad Henne the hell out of Miami.

Well I guess that’s all. I don’t think I’ve asked for anything crazy this year. I just really want my life back is all. If you could find any way to help me I’d super duper appreciate it. And just an FYI. If you don’t help me I’m totally asking for the Lexus next year!



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